for another year, anyway.

The JDRF walk in Victoria is over for this year and all the fund raising pressure at the family level is off for a few months. It isn’t fair, actually, to imply we are pressured to raise money – after all, what kind of parents would we be if we didn’t do whatever we could to help cure our children? The biggest benefit of the walk for a newly diagnosed family is to see just how many other people there are affected by the illness.

That’s one of the other things that never gets listed, just how isolating the experience is at first. You spend days with doctors and nurses, cloistered in a hospital and then spend months sleep deprived, working days in a twilight of worry while you spend nights waking every few hours to test blood sugars and calculating adjustments for insulin doses. Even when you go out, you are huddled with your child in the bathroom, trying to remember the current ratio of short acting and long acting insulins and getting the injections ready. People come in, people go out, they cast quick glances over at mother or father and child, the needles, cartridges, glucometer and can’t figure out what’s happening. The sight of the syringe is usually enough to drive the strangers away. They don’t want to know.

Then, after a few weeks or months of this you walk into a park filled with balloons, music, people dressed up, whole groups of people wearing the same coloured t-shirts declaring “Tommy’s Team” or “Mary’s Minders” or “Team Turbo Tess”…and different companies who have joined in the effort sponsoring tents giving away food or balloons or whatever they think kids would like. It’s a freaking festival in the middle of one of the crappiest moments in a parent’s life!

And you feel safe. You feel part of something rather than walled away from the world. I don’t know of many people who can get through the first hour of that walk without fogging up or crying outright. The demons of guilt, fear, “dear-God-why-me? I-hate-you. Please-don’t-let-my-baby-die-while-I-sleep-in-the-next-room” are chased away by realization there is a future; these people have survived those first horrible weeks and now you will too. After that the idea of raising money doesn’t seem such a bad thing.

And every year when we get our group together and show up it is the same feeling – that rush of finally finding something positive in all this, of not being the only one, of not being alone.

Even people of faith give thanks for a glimpse at God’s plan at some point during the morning. It’s a gift. And when the demons come back – because they will – you have something to cradle in your hand, hold to your heart and cling to in the dark, long nights ahead.